AntMcl's Blawg

Loyalty: A Trait and a Downfall

Loyalty: ‘a strong feeling of allegiance to something or someone’. In this post, I’d like to explore the idea that while loyalty is a good things, there can also be a dark side to it. I’m an incredibly loyal individual; whether it’s with people or brands, I tend to form an attachment easily and stay devoted for a very long time. This makes me a good friend - I’m the type of person who’s always on the other end of the phone to talk, and I do a lot for my friends because I value my relationships very highly. 

So loyalty’s a good thing, right? Well, there is indeed a dark side to showing this much devotion to something or someone in your life: what happens when they don’t appreciate it? Also, what happens if they go away? For me, being a good friend to someone (or possibly even taking the relationship a little further) is a reason for me to get up in the mornings. I’ve used this phrase before, but what happens when one of the reasons you get up in the morning suddenly disappears? To an extent, it is easy to deal with this sort of thing, but when it comes to someone you’ve loved for a very, very long time, things get a little more significantly more difficult. 

The more devotion you show toward someone, the harder it is to deal with the pain when they go away. I’m not saying by any means that I’m now going to be a cold-hearted individual who doesn’t let people get close for fear of loss, because I don’t think I can change. Thing is, there are times when it isn’t your fault that these people go away, and if when you’ve been the most loyal and devoted person to them for so long, then it can take days, weeks, or even months to get over it. That’s why my loyalty is a trait, but also a huge downfall. 

“My body aches when I ain’t with you; I have zero strength”

It’s strange how some things come flooding back to you after such a long time. 

“I don’t need you, no more…”

I’ve talked in a previous post about my issues with one-way relationships, and how I’m usually the person sending out the love but not getting any back. To be honest, and without the intention of blowing my own trumpet, I like to entertain the fact that I have a remarkable imagination. This makes me a creative person, but also gives me issues with what’s reality and what isn’t. An ideal situation in my head will often translate itself into my real life, which then usually ends up manifesting itself in a hopeless spiral of reckless optimism that typically ends up as my downfall. 

I mess a lot of things up, things that really matter. Sure, I do well academically and all that, but what really matters in life, love and relationships, I often fail at. Due to the increasing number of failed, one-way relationships I’ve had, I find it increasingly difficult to put my trust in people right away. At this point (if you know anything about me) you’ll know I’m referring to a specific person - you’re correct. Generally, on the rare occasion women develop feelings for me, it happens very quickly; it’s the way I am. The trouble with this is that I find it difficult to fully commit to them quickly, as I feel that if I get too close too quickly I will fail, and I’m terrified of failure of any kind. 

With this specific situation, I got the impression that the female to which I’m referring developed feelings for me rather quickly, and when she finally told me I still wasn’t letting myself get too close. If I had been more confident in my approach, who knows where I’d be with her right now. However, due to my apprehension I didn’t allow myself to get too close. I missed that opportunity, and now that I finally decided I hold feelings for her too, it turns out I was too late and her feelings for me have subsided. Now I’m sat here alone, out of pocket and with nothing to show for it. 

So what have I learned? Seizing an opportunity is critical; if I had seized that opportunity, the whole situation would probably have panned out better than it has done. So yet again, I’m left in the situation where one of the main reasons that I got up in the morning has suddenly disappeared, and that’s damn hard to deal with; I’m getting good at dealing with it, though, as it’s happened so much recently. So readers, if there’s only one thing you take from reading this, it’s that you need to seize every opportunity that faces you, no matter how trivial or hopeless you think it is, you’ll be able to make something of it. Living life with no regrets is how I intend to proceed from now on, and boy does it feel good.