Loyalty: ‘a strong feeling of allegiance to something or someone’. In this post, I’d like to explore the idea that while loyalty is a good things, there can also be a dark side to it. I’m an incredibly loyal individual; whether it’s with people or brands, I tend to form an attachment easily and stay devoted for a very long time. This makes me a good friend - I’m the type of person who’s always on the other end of the phone to talk, and I do a lot for my friends because I value my relationships very highly.
So loyalty’s a good thing, right? Well, there is indeed a dark side to showing this much devotion to something or someone in your life: what happens when they don’t appreciate it? Also, what happens if they go away? For me, being a good friend to someone (or possibly even taking the relationship a little further) is a reason for me to get up in the mornings. I’ve used this phrase before, but what happens when one of the reasons you get up in the morning suddenly disappears? To an extent, it is easy to deal with this sort of thing, but when it comes to someone you’ve loved for a very, very long time, things get a little more significantly more difficult.
The more devotion you show toward someone, the harder it is to deal with the pain when they go away. I’m not saying by any means that I’m now going to be a cold-hearted individual who doesn’t let people get close for fear of loss, because I don’t think I can change. Thing is, there are times when it isn’t your fault that these people go away, and if when you’ve been the most loyal and devoted person to them for so long, then it can take days, weeks, or even months to get over it. That’s why my loyalty is a trait, but also a huge downfall.
I’ve talked in a previous post about my issues with one-way relationships, and how I’m usually the person sending out the love but not getting any back. To be honest, and without the intention of blowing my own trumpet, I like to entertain the fact that I have a remarkable imagination. This makes me a creative person, but also gives me issues with what’s reality and what isn’t. An ideal situation in my head will often translate itself into my real life, which then usually ends up manifesting itself in a hopeless spiral of reckless optimism that typically ends up as my downfall.
I mess a lot of things up, things that really matter. Sure, I do well academically and all that, but what really matters in life, love and relationships, I often fail at. Due to the increasing number of failed, one-way relationships I’ve had, I find it increasingly difficult to put my trust in people right away. At this point (if you know anything about me) you’ll know I’m referring to a specific person - you’re correct. Generally, on the rare occasion women develop feelings for me, it happens very quickly; it’s the way I am. The trouble with this is that I find it difficult to fully commit to them quickly, as I feel that if I get too close too quickly I will fail, and I’m terrified of failure of any kind.
With this specific situation, I got the impression that the female to which I’m referring developed feelings for me rather quickly, and when she finally told me I still wasn’t letting myself get too close. If I had been more confident in my approach, who knows where I’d be with her right now. However, due to my apprehension I didn’t allow myself to get too close. I missed that opportunity, and now that I finally decided I hold feelings for her too, it turns out I was too late and her feelings for me have subsided. Now I’m sat here alone, out of pocket and with nothing to show for it.
So what have I learned? Seizing an opportunity is critical; if I had seized that opportunity, the whole situation would probably have panned out better than it has done. So yet again, I’m left in the situation where one of the main reasons that I got up in the morning has suddenly disappeared, and that’s damn hard to deal with; I’m getting good at dealing with it, though, as it’s happened so much recently. So readers, if there’s only one thing you take from reading this, it’s that you need to seize every opportunity that faces you, no matter how trivial or hopeless you think it is, you’ll be able to make something of it. Living life with no regrets is how I intend to proceed from now on, and boy does it feel good.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Swoon | “Just remember to fall in love, there’s nothing else”
Swoon is one of my old favourites, and even thought I’ve never really been a fan of The Chemical Brothers, this track is nothing short of fantastic. There’s one simply message in this song: there’s only one thing in life that matters - falling in love. That doesn’t just refer to falling in love with that special someone, but also finding a passion for a hobby, or a place, or even falling in love with life itself. Not only does the song have a strong meaning we can all relate to, but a terrific beat that’s catchy, upbeat, and really puts a smile on your face.
Enjoy the song, and remember to fall in love, because there’s nothing else, there’s nothing else…
I’m typing this after one week at uni, and I’ve had an amazing time. It’s weird how freshers’ week sends one’s confidence levels through the roof without you even realising. During this week, I seem to have discovered my love for clubbing; it’s something that I previously didn’t care for but I’ve found that it really is an awesome way to meet people.
I’ve also found out that making friends is a lot easier than it first sounded, because everyone else is in the same position as you. It’s exhausting, but purely awesome.
Yep, next week I’ll be going to a university in Nottingham to pursue my dream career, or at least attempt to. I don’t talk about this kind of stuff on Twitter because I don’t want people to know every aspect of my life in and out. Anyway, if you really wanted to know why I’ve been talking about moving and money for the past month, then you probably asked me and I told you in private.
I’ve decided to announce this because so many people are asking questions, and I feel that it’s easier to give you the honest answer rather than leave you in the dark. Overall, I am looking forward to going, but at the same time I’m pretty nervous; making new friends is hard, and probably the hardest part of joining anything new. I like to entertain the fact that I’m a damn nice guy, and I think this will work to my advantage at university.
One of the main killers is the financial side, and it’s what’s really been annoying me recently. Not only will I be in horrific debt, but I will be getting little to no support money from my family; they seem to expect me to live the lifestyle of a tramp, probably because of my recent extravagant spending habits. No, my family aren’t strapped for cash; in fact, I would say the situation is the exact opposite, but I’m still having to fend for myself. I find this situation upsetting not because I’m not getting money for nothing (I hate getting money I haven’t worked for - ‘handouts’), but because the attitude that a certain family member has toward me is making me feel thoroughly unloved. I’m the type of person who needs to be taught things the easy way, not the hard way, and I resent the conflict of interests in this situation.
But hey, I love a fresh new start, and I love meeting new people, so I think I’ll have a great time when I’m up there. Of course, I’ll still be getting posts up on this website; clubbing and raving really isn’t my thing. The amount of support I get from my fans is truly flattering, and some of the people I’ve met through blogging, YouTube, and Twitter feel like my closest friends, even though I’ve never met you. I thank you all for that, and in return I shall share my experiences with you even more.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
- Artist: Moby
- Album: Play
- Track: Porcelain
Porcelain | The greatest song of all time, IMHO
I have mentioned previously that my all-time favourite song was this, because it was one of the few songs that I could make a deep personal connection to. Porcelain has just replaced that. Moby’s my favourite artist, simply because virtually every song of his I come across is breathtakingly spectacularly awesome (I ran out of superlatives). The song is a testament to Moby’s instrumental and lyrical genius; it features his hypnotic vocals, alongside a haunting ‘Hey woman, it’s all right’ in the background. It’s a romantic, regret-rich, and heartbreaking song, but strangely is a ‘feel good’ song and one of Moby’s finest chill out tunes.
Clear your mind and let Moby blow you away with this, and I’ll leave you with the simply but ever so powerful lyrics:
In my dreams I’m dying all the time,
Then I wake its kaleidoscopic mind.
I never meant to hurt you,
I never meant to lie.
So this is goodbye,
This is goodbye.
Tell the truth, You’ve never wanted me
Tell me..
In my dreams I’m jealous all the time,
When I wake I’m going out of my mind.
Going out of my mind…
I’ve always found it kind of funny that I seem to do a lot for people, yet I never get repaid. I can deal with that; however, backstabbing takes this to a new level. While it is annoying that some people don’t appreciate the kindness and generosity that I show toward them, there are always a few who throw things back in your face.
I seem to have always lived in a state of extreme jealousy. The funny thing is, that’s what drives me; I can’t take it when someone is better than me at something, and I will work my arse off to better them, or at least give the impression that I am. Due to the fact that I’m a selfish git at heart, the only thing that matters is that I’m satisfied with a particular situation. I don’t mind living in a fantasy world, but I hate it when people intrude.
I guess that means that I’m the kind of person that you talk to and are never quite sure whether I’m secretly cursing at you in my head. That’s because I keep a lot of things to myself, and that’s why you rarely get any emotion out of me. Due to that, I’m easily taken advantage of. Some recognition of my kindness toward you would be nice, even if you’re not at all interested, you should still appreciate and recognise things I’ve done for you, even if it isn’t that obvious to you. Something is better than nothing. It’s weird how people you really like can make you feel so shit.
Incompatibility…
Ugh, it’s time for one of these posts again. It’s strange how other people can become such a huge part of your life that when they’re gone, some parts of your life feel empty. What makes things somewhat worse is when you make an effort for someone else, only to have that person not take any notice, or not to display any sort of gratitude for the efforts you go to. It’s one of the hardest things to come to terms to; the fact that maybe they’ll just never be interested, no matter how hard you try and how much you persist.
“If you fail to prepare, you must prepare to fail.”
Other than being a neat little phrase, this actually applies to many areas in life. While a lot of people get away in life by ‘winging it’, we’re often told that it’s much better to prepare for things in order to give us the best chance. At the end of the day, this kind of thing is something that individuals must make up their own minds about; nobody has the right to tell you how to live your life, or what the boundaries of your life should be, might I add.
I’m the kind of person who leans toward the side of ‘winging’. Having said that, I do believe that in certain cases preparation is everything, but in the majority of tests and tribulations that we will encounter in everyday life isn’t something you can plan for. After all, life isn’t an exam: you can’t revise for it. It’s all to do with dealing with pressure, and I tend to do things better when I’m driven by pressure. I get extremely irritated when people point out my faults, or tell me how I should do things, and this tends to translate itself into a passive anger, which gives me the motivation and passion to do things well.
Fear of failure is something that everybody has; nobody likes to fail. Why is failure so feared? Well, humiliation is certainly a part of it, but failure makes you stronger. If you are willing to learn from your mistakes, then failure can be a good thing.
This brings me back to the title of the post; true, it may be better off safe than sorry, but what I’m saying is that being sorry for something brings you back round to the very start of the argument. If you don’t prepare, you will fail, but in my view lack of preparation and subsequent failure (in any aspect of life) counts as preparation.
I recently read a similar post to this by a friend, and felt inspired to let off a bit of steam, so to speak. I’m happy to admit that I am an unabashed optimist; no matter how bad something or a situation is, I always see the good that often is not at the end of the tunnel. The trouble with this view is that it only tends to keep oneself happy through the next 24 hours, and in some ways you could call this denial. I can always see at least one good point about a situation and use this to my advantage. That’s the main problem with this mindset I have; I constantly have to find new ways to boost my optimism and motivation, which includes twisting the truth. Many of my friends will disagree with this but I am in fact a very good liar, lol; when things go badly I tend to keep myself sane to some extent by convincing myself and others that things are nowhere near as bad as they really are. To most people, this is an unhealthy mindset, however it actually works for me. Covering up the real truth is something I’m very good at, and however unattractive this trait may be, I’m good at it and I count it as a talent (insert quip about me being an asshole here, I don’t care what you think).
I wish I could have started out on the Internet with an entirely concealed identity, that way I could say so much more about myself without giving away information that I don’t wish to be disclosed, which is why the next part will be suitably ambiguous. I believe that to fully assess a human being (as inhumane as that is) one needs to take into account and combine every aspect of that person, whether good or bad, and provide a balanced and fair-minded judgement. Judging me on the basis that you have spoken to me only three times in the space of the three weeks I’ve been working with you and the fact you don’t know me at all is, quite frankly, fucking insulting. I’m one of those people who you need to get to know in order to find out what I’m really like, so I know instantly when people judge me having not known me.
There are only a select few people in my life who I could call a true friend, and there are a lot of people who like to entertain the fact that they are my friend when in fact they don’t know the first thing about me. I’m a cold-hearted bastard, you may think, but I’m actually much more forgiving and (dare I say it) loving than I make out to be; being taken advantage of and lied to and persecuted by a group of people I now call my friends takes a big piece of forgiveness, huh? I thought so.
In short, this post is not designed as a cold-hearted, ambiguous attack on those individuals who are the reason I’m writing this, take from it what you want, and if you think you know to whom or what I am referring directly then it’s likely you are wrong. The vast majority of people who know me via the Internet think I have a pretty perfect life from the seemingly constant happiness I ‘radiate’, this post is to tell you that it isn’t all like that, and not to judge me by my cover; too many people have done this as of late, and it hurts. I’m sorry you had to read this, and I’m sorry I can’t be my usual happy self. Wish me luck.
Sidebar: The weather has been pretty cold recently; typing this was a minefield of spelling errors, lol.
